FullMoon Archive: 八月滿月：流散 Aug: Dispersal
4:07pm Taipei
對於沒有確定的道路
對於沒有抵達的目的
for those drifting but life goes on
繞路才顯好風景
不能放任流轉的手心
不能恣意散去的執意
給土性固著的自己
The road has its scene
給熾熱的眼睛
for the eyes that always stick to the hot spot
“It’s not always about you.”
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Singapore
My attention is scattered like the circles on his skin spread across his back, his extremities, the back of his knees, his knobs and edges.
There is something grotesque about this, but strangely it does not irk me. I feel the scabs underneath my finger tips.
Once I had dreams for my ideas to travel far and wide. Today, my fingers skip over the spots on his body, spreading cream to other islands.
Oh to feel attentive and whole again.
Impetigo. A word that could be a spaghetti bolognese brand name for all I know, until I encountered it in the flesh, when its fates intertwined with my son’s and therefore ours.
I encounter the leper and it is my son. Others shoot curious looks, extended family keep talking about being careful to not damage his skin, literally caring about 面子。 To them, he is a leper. But I see my son, cheerful in the A&E, climbing over the hospital bed, looking at the weird contraptions. He is the one shooting curious looks at people. He gazes, as he does in the elevator with strangers. I am proud of him, and ashamed of my tribe and my society.
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9:54 PM Taipei
Child of August.
If the storm gets any stronger,
I'm afraid I might be blown away.
I couldn't find home -
not on the streets I know by heart,
not in the body I move through.
I lost my belongings.
Things are still falling from the suitcase.
One handle, once repaired, breaks again.
But maybe, if I close my eyes for a second,
if I never tell anyone and just keep walking,
maybe this isn't real.
I've always felt safe somewhere deep within.
But this time, I prayed.
56. 6. 24. The Wanderer.
To guard; to proceed with care.
The moon will clear again.
“““““““““““““““““““““““. ////////// ““““““““““““““““““““““““ //////////
3:05am Berlin
想起很久以前的一些人事物， 20年前的我們，在回憶的劇場裡面發散的樣子，看回現在中年人的身形，有些人在螢幕裡，有些在生活裡。再相見也不太可能太相識，然後也就這樣過去了，原來青春與老去就是這麼奇異的事情。意外發現，還想把記憶撿回來，還想回到過去的某個時刻，做一次當年沒有做的事。跟那時候的他們一起去旅行。
Berlin 11:45
站在陽台上。
這是我最靠近空氣、最容易呼吸的地方。
在這片雲層籠罩的光幕下，
好像有一些能量又慢慢湧現出來。
也許正因為這樣，我開始留意那些正在分散的東西, 注意力、身體、關係，還有一些曾經以為一定要緊緊留住的東西。
當孩子長大，身體開始有自己的方向。同時，我發現作為母親的注意力, 其實也不可能永遠停留在同一個地方。於是，我們各自走向不同的時間，也走向一些我還不知道的地方。就像在黑暗中手牽手走進森林一樣。我有時候會想，母職是不是也包含這樣的練習？ 讓關係可以散開，讓彼此有自己的方向，但並不因此失去彼此。
