1:47 AM
Banora Point, NSW Australia
Today, in this Full Hunters Moon rising in Taurus I am affirming. I am worth more than i have been accepting. I believe in my worth completely. YESSSSS!!!!!!!. .
I am asking myself... What truly nourishes me?
1:50 PM
TAIPEI
We don't keep- - - all the time as we grow in the time
We just don't.
Sometimes, we give it a go.
And it makes everything larger than life,
than we could ever know.
11:38 AM
高雄
在港台兩地持續移動，有一事以為會結束，但還沒結束。甚至是另一個不確定的開始。
好多好多的危機，面對的情況可能是無法拒絕及任人魚肉。不確定未來可以怎樣，只能持續找尋空間呼吸。
6:38 PM
Verőce, Hungary
Surrounded by trees and leaves, feeling the breeze from autumn, haven't been this loosen vibe for a period of time.
On this full moon day, my replacement flight got cancelled. Another late flight, another rush with a suitcase, a backpack and a six-year-old. It felt like another episode of The Amazing Race. But here, it was just the two of us, moving through the chaos. I knew he would follow, and he knew I wouldn’t leave him behind.
I gather myself to make all the quick decisions, call my sister to deliver this sad news, request a refund, rearrange plans and keep track of our belongings. You hope nothing falls out of place, because one thing falling apart often sets off a chain of other things: keys, coins, Lego pieces, glasses, and so on. But whenever I turned my head, he had held up remarkably well despite all these. We had come so far; I admire this synchronisation.
Afterwards, I said, let’s get some ice cream. He needed the toilet, but I couldn’t find one. Then he remembered a place he had visited with his father and pointed the way. We followed his memory and made another run for it, and I followed. On our way back to get the ice cream, we looked up at the Moon, clear, round and so close. My tears started rolling down. I told him how much I missed my family, and how sorry I felt that his first school holiday had turned into such a mess. That’s when he comforted me with words, little pats on my shoulders and a hug.
“Mama, it’s really crazy: first plane, we check in, cross the border, send our suitcase, then cancel, and today one time is delayed and suddenly is not and now cancel.. wah, so crazy. But it’s fine. Mama, Look at the Moon. It’s looking at us.”
I was touched.
But there is a contradiction I keep thinking about. I admire his composure, while wondering why I feel I must always maintain mine. Why do I have to be the one who keeps everything together? Is this part of the invisible labour of motherhood? Not only taking care of things, but also maintaining the appearance that we can manage them?
And then I wonder whether, in admiring his ability to hold up, I am unknowingly placing the same expectation on him. He is six. I want him to be able to be tired, frustrated, or simply not hold up, too.
But maybe I have been thinking about composure too narrowly. I realise it doesn’t necessarily mean an individual achievement through self-control, rather than regulating… Maybe it is also a capacity to remain present while things around us fall out of place. And perhaps this capacity is not something I have to produce on my own. It is composed through others, like his memory of the toilet, my suggestion of ice cream, his gestures of comfort, and the ways we keep adjusting to one another.
I wonder if composure can be something we compose together, rather than another individual capacity we are expected to perform. Something that allows us to keep moving, even when we cannot keep everything together.
